Talks Crazy to Me!

My husband is great when he wants to be nice but when he gets in a bad mood he takes the steam off on me. He always says mean things, which after the fact he claims he didn't mean as it was only said in anger, however his comments stay in my head and I have a hard time forgiving him. I don't know if there is truth in what he says but I do know that it is taking a toll on my self-worth and confidence. He says he sorry, he doesn't mean it and he will stop making me his verbal punching bag.....but he doesn't....

What should I do?
KC in Indiana

Your husband may say he doesn't mean it, that he's just blowing off steam. But let's say you had a house guest who was the CEO of a huge company. Would he speak to that person in the same way? I doubt it because he wouldn't want to belittle someone he obviously thought was an accomplished person. When he chooses to use you as his verbal punching bag he is demonstrating that he really doesn't hold you in the same high regard as others.
You can't make him reform but you can certainly let him know that once he begins verbally abusing you, you will excuse yourself and not subject yourself to insults he would not give to someone else. Just because you are married to him does not mean he has the right to treat you in ways he would treat no one else.

The bottom line is you deserve to be treated with respect. If he continues with the angry outbursts despite promises of change it's likely that's just going to be that way. If he won't take responsibility and make the necessary changes, your choice is to put up with it or leave. In my case, it took filing for divorce to bring about significant change in him. I didn't file to be manipulative. I thought our marriage was over but he decided he'd rather control his anger and keep his family in tact. Good luck!

This is such a difficult situation and I personally experienced emotional abuse in a marriage. At one point a wise older lady from my church explained "emotional abuse" to me. Words spoken in anger assault our emotions and undermine trust and love until we indeed lose our self esteem, confidence, and the safety of our own home. I like the idea of excusing yourself when your husband gets hurtful (although I tried this when I was married and my husband merely followed me around our little apartment while I was trying to nurse our infant daughter). If leaving the room doesn't work, perhaps try talking with him when he's calm and showing signs of remorse and work out options for him to take control of his anger. Maybe a code word that is agreed upon by the two of you will be a signal to him to break the attack and remove himself from the room -- maybe a long walk, retreat to a calm place in the house, etc. If he shows no sign of taking responsibility for his own actions and refuses to respect your emotional health then you might have to consider more serious steps.