my husband's ex

I have been remarried to a wonderful man for a year. We are each in our late forties. My kids are out of the house, and he has a 14 year old son. Our problem is that his ex wife seems committed to making our lives a living hell. She is constantly changing her son's schedule at the last minute so we can't count on the times we have with my stepson. She obviously talks bad about me to him, although when we are together we get along great. She screams at my husband when they discuss things on the phone and she hangs up on him a lot.
she is a chronic liar. She is a gossip. When we see her in public (like at a ball game) she makes things awkward for their son because she acts as if I or my husband don't even exist. She is just plain crazy. The only thing my husband and I argue about is her, and nothing I suggest gets through because he is so defensive about it. If she were gone we'd be just fine, but we've got years ahead of us trying to deal with this crazy woman. I need to figure out how to keep from going insane.

I had a similar situation in my marriage and nothing I could say or do made any difference. I say just keep your discussions about this to a bare minimum. She wants to be in your head and if you let it be a constant scource of tension with your husband, she wins. It is what it is. Let your husband deal with her the best he can and stay out of it. You are in a no win situation because people like the ex wife are usually a narcissist and won't change.

Rhonda- there is hope...Your stepson is 14 so soon he will be a young adult and off to college and you will be able to deal with him more as an individual and less and less through his mother. Don't let her wrath ruin your marriage! That's exactly what she wants. She can't find happiness and doesn't want anyone else to either.

TYPICAL!!!

I know it's hard to just let this woman be such a disruptive force, but she is what she is and nothing you can say or do will make her any different. Your husband probably gets defensive because he feels that no solution you offer will work. I'm assuming he is emotionally wrung out. I agree that it would be best to just pull back, and as much as you can, give him words of encouragement. In the meantime, make sure the two of you have a social life with people who appreciate your normalcy.

Women like your husband's ex are incredibly insecure and the way they try to boost their ego is to put others down. I'd bet your husband can tell all sorts of war stories from the past about her impossible mannerisms.
Your greatest gift to your husband will be your patience. I agree that he already feels like he's in a no win situation with her, so as you show yourself to be accepting and non-intrusive you're going to be a breath of fresh air for him.