Alcohol is his first priority

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Alcohol is his first priority

Post  Janet on Thu Apr 23, 2009 8:40 pm

In public, people would be surprised to know that my husband is more committed to his beer and scotch than he is to me. He can give the appearance of being friendly when we are in a social setting, but once we are out of the limelight, he ignores me and just drinks. We never go to bed at the same time because he stays up watching tv and drinking. This is every night. I've attempted to discuss my concerns with him but he is so full of rationalization that he can out debate me and make me feel stupid for what I feel. I don't want to divorce only because I can't imagine letting him take charge of our kids every other weekend, but I am not happy. People tell me to get a life separate from him but it's not as easy as that would seem.

Janet
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who's in charge

Post  marti on Fri Apr 24, 2009 8:33 pm

So are you saying that you can't make decisions for yourself until he shows his approval? Alcoholism can be a very selfish way of life and you are not required to buy into his selfish nature. I know it may not be what you want, but if you just stay home while he pickles his liver, then you are in the enabler mold.
Have a life. Go to church. Go out with girlfriends. See movies. Enjoy hikes or whatever it is you like to do. But don't sit home and say you have no choices.

marti
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you have choices

Post  Jo on Tue Apr 28, 2009 9:37 pm

You could always stay home and get drunk with him. You can stay home and fume. You can stay home and cry. You can stay home and call your mother to tell her how unhappy you are. You can have a life with people you like. You can pursue hobbies. You can take your kids on outings that you all enjoy. Life is full of choices and the alcoholic does not have to be the one making them for you.

Jo
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alcohol/drug abuse

Post  gem on Fri May 01, 2009 8:14 am

this is fascinating. My first time to post a response. I am an alcoholic & drug addict. If you feel your husband
has a problem w/ alcohol, I suggest you consider asking him to think about attending an AA meeting. Only one. He can listen/talk to alcoholics and determine for himself if he feels he may have a problem. AA folks are very non-threatening & caring people. They do not tell you you are an alcoholic, but rather guide you and teach you how you may be able to help yourself. For you there are Al-anon meetings intended for friends and family members of people who think their spouse may have a drinking problem. helps you alone to cope, and under stand where he is coming from, whether he is an alcoholic or not. Just call info. and contact a group close to you. they are all over the world. Don't suggest drinking & partying w/ him or blowing him off & making him feel worse about himslf. from one who has also pickled her liver and lived to tell the story.

gem
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I go to al-anon

Post  sandi on Fri May 01, 2009 5:46 pm

I'm in the same boat and I have decided that as long as my husband continues on his path of self destruction, I will seek the company of people who get it. My al-anon group has been a godsend. I have learned so much about codependency and my contributions to it. Please consider finding a group in your area.

sandi
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very interesting

Post  gem on Sat May 02, 2009 2:08 am

Now we seem to be getting somewhere. I just had an intresting experience, which I won't go into alot of detail about. I was driving home tonite from a meeting & found that the path I normally take was blocked.
So I had to take what I call the backroads. It's something I tease my mom about. Anyway, by taking these pathes that I haven't traveled in a very long time, I found myself tracing over the steps that I took when I was doing drugs/drinking where I had been arrested, where I was married & then My hub. left me, and where I just kept getting stoned or drunk and going down into a spiral. What do you think?

gem
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going down old paths

Post  Stan on Sat May 02, 2009 4:21 pm

It's me again. I'm assuming that you are using your experience as a metaphore. Sometimes we need to revisit our old ways (going down old paths) so we can remember what it felt like. Hopefully as the misery of it all comes back to mind, it reminds you all over again why recovery is so desirable.

Stan
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thanks!

Post  gem on Sat May 02, 2009 6:41 pm

Hey Stan, you sound like a nice guy. If I'm not getting too personal, could I ask if you have a subtance abuse problem also? It would be interesting to discuss this sort of thing with you. Like I said, I'm very new at this computer thing & this is my first time to chat in a forum like this. It's seems like it may be interesting & a bit useful as well. Let me know. Bye

gem
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an interesting H.P. kinda nite

Post  gem on Sat May 02, 2009 9:00 pm

well, it's been a long day & someone was wanting me to go to a meeting tonite because of an interesting speaker. But, it's raining & I'm blue. My mom fell in the parking lot at Tom Th. & banged her face up pretty bad, it made a big scratch in the lens of her glasses too. We tryed to go to the mall to get them fixed but it was raining cats & dogs, as it were. Now she's home w? a swollen lip & scratched face & I am playing nurse. And I love her very much. I,ve called my husband a few times to talk to him, haven't heard back & I've called my sponsor & haven't heard back from her too. I love them both & they are easy folks to talk to so I hope that I may hear from them tonite. Are you getting rained on too Stan?

gem
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I know enough about it

Post  stan on Mon May 04, 2009 4:48 pm

Let's just say that I've had to slay a lot of dragons and I'm still working on it. You sound like you are in need of support and encouragement and I hope you can stay with a group that will get to know you and give you the insights to keep your progress.
Healthiness feels a lot better than chronic dysfunction.

stan
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yes!

Post  gem on Mon May 04, 2009 6:35 pm

yes, recovery or the path toward recovery is better than chronic dysfunction. Alot can be done on one's own for certain, however asking for a helping hand, ear, or shoulder is very important too. I've had a hard time w/ that in the past and still do some, but I'm starting to get a little better about asking for help when I need it. However, what do you do, stan, late at nite when you can't sleep, no one else is awake & things seem at their gloomiest?

gem
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marriage

Post  gem on Fri May 08, 2009 11:45 am

Hi. My husband and I are beginning to discuss the idea of getting back together &/or becoming more intimate again after a long separation. Any tips?

gem
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the kindness factor

Post  stan on Fri May 08, 2009 6:56 pm

He'll be nice to you if he thinks he could "get lucky," but will he continue to be nice to you if you say you'd like to get comfortable first before getting back into an intimate relationship?
You're married, so sexual relations are certainly not wrong, but I'd say let him show tenderness and patience first. You want to know he respects you as a person first, not just someone to score with. If he is serious about reconciling he will recognize the legitimacy of you needing to feel respected first.
Good luck. I hope you can get things lined up in a way that will leave you feeling valued!

stan
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thanks

Post  gem on Fri May 08, 2009 11:54 pm

thanks stan. it's nice to know someone out there is listening. good advice to ponder on. i'll get back to you after some thought. you do seem like a nice man and sensitive to people's feelings. that's nice!

gem
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hypothesis

Post  gem on Sun May 10, 2009 9:23 am

I liked what you had to say. Now just suppose the opposite was true. Suppose the man and woman wanted to stay married for emotional reasons, but the man didn't want to have a sexual relationship with the woman anymore. Would the woman be justified in having an affair with another man? Everything else in this marriage is going very well except that one area. What do you think Stan? Would this be considered adultry?

gem
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anyone out there?

Post  gem on Wed May 13, 2009 6:40 pm

I am genuinlly interested in hearing any comments on my last posting.

gem
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anyone out there?

Post  louis on Wed May 13, 2009 7:31 pm

what you do in haste you repent in leisure...be careful!

louis
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be careful about rationalizing

Post  Stan on Thu May 14, 2009 9:58 am

If you are still married, and have sexual relations with another person, technically speaking that would be adultery.
My thinking is that before you allow yourself to get pulled into complications with another person, come to terms with the one you are with first. Don't try to juggle two relationship balls at once. It would wind up crashing on you with both.

Stan
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To the wife of an alcoholic...

Post  anniewoo on Fri May 15, 2009 11:21 pm

I'm not sure how this discussion dissolved into a discussion between Stan and Gem, however, I would like to comment on her last post...live together emotionally and have sex outside of the marriage? AND you say everything else is going well? This is not a marriage! Your mate deserves total devotion from you sexually and every other way. If he doesn't want to have sex with you, then things are not going as well as you led us to believe!!

For the person married to an alcoholic: I agree with a previous post. You must educate yourself through a support group so you can deal with the ups and downs of being an alcoholic's spouse, and, also, learn how to give your children support as they grow up in this environment. Most of all, you must find peace and guide your children to live good righteous lives regardless of the father's choices. Be strong!

anniewoo
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o.k. we seem to have a discussion now!

Post  gem on Sun May 24, 2009 2:37 am

Let me start by saying that I have not been able to get on the internet for 2 weeks due to major screw- ups w/ my provivider. Problem solved. back on the air or whatever. Long story. Next: I am a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, for about 5 years now, am well educated and well versed in AA lingo & such.
My anonymity is most important to me & the people I am in a group w/. So I won't discuss it much here.
My question was: can I still be in a good relationshipw/ my husband & have a sexual relationship w/ someone else to sattisfy a need? I see that I have gotten a few responses out of this thing. So, I simply want to say that I started this whole thing by saying that someone, somewhere should try to see if she could either get her husband to an AA meeting, or if she could get herself to Al-Anon. as a source for both parties comfort, understanding, and hopefully serenity in both people's lives. This has worked for me and my husband. VERY well.I still have sexual desires. I know 2 or 3 men that stimulate some desire in me and I obviously know that a married woman who has sex w/another man would technically be committing adultery. So as a study, what do you think about this?

gem
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Still married gem wants sex with another man

Post  kbk on Sun May 24, 2009 9:28 am

maybe this discussion should be moved to the affairs/infidelity category because there is a whole lot of infidelity going on here.... Rolling Eyes

kbk
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point not well taken

Post  gem on Sun May 24, 2009 2:11 pm

interesting,but not one infidelity has been done yet. Any other thoughts?

gem
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My question was: can I still be in a good relationshipw/ my husband & have a sexual relationship w/ someone else to sattisfy a need?

Post  kbk on Mon May 25, 2009 3:15 am

I've been following this conversation for awhile and I'm feeling very frustrated gem. How can you possibly consider your relationship with your husband to be a good one when he doesn't want to have sex with you and you therefore want to satisfy your sexual needs with someone else? I just don't understand how you can characterize this type of marital relationship as good. I'm sensing that there is a tremendous amount of denial on your end as to how bad things really are. Infidelity is not limited to just sexual unfaithfulness, but rather that two people are simply not in normal sync in their marrigae, a lack of fidelity. Since that is the basis of your discussion at this point, you may be better served to move it to the affairs/infidelity (no affair yet) area.

kbk
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infidelity vs. just sex

Post  gem on Mon May 25, 2009 8:19 am

I don't have too much time now to chat, going to a concert. HOWEVER, i DO APPRECIATE THE FEEDBACK SO FAR. aT THIS POINT i'VE CHOSEN TO KEEP IT IN THE SEX CATEGORY,MAY CHANGE MY MIND LATER. lET'S ADD ANOTHER FACTOR THOUGH. sUPPOSE THE HUSBAND AND WIFE WERE TO CHOOSE TO HAVE ONE OF THESE MODERN OPEN KIND OF MARRIAGES. Sorry didn't mean to go to all caps,oops! Just suppose. Then what do you folks think? plese respond.

gem
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sUPPOSE THE HUSBAND AND WIFE WERE TO CHOOSE TO HAVE ONE OF THESE MODERN OPEN KIND OF MARRIAGES

Post  kbk on Mon May 25, 2009 2:59 pm

hmmmm, whatever floats your boat gem No

kbk
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