My husband is unfair

I have had the worst year of my life. A few months ago I had a one night stand with a man when I was out of town for business. (I rarely travel.) My husband found out about it and has been on the warpath. He has called me every name in the book. Wants to go over the details time after time. He says he can't forgive me for being so gullible. Yet ten years ago he had two affairs, one lasting six months. When I bring that up he says its not the same because that was before he became a Christian. Now that we are heavily involved in church, he says I should know better. He can't admit that we are equals. I can't stand him having such double standards that allows him to be so condemning.

Seems I remember the philosophy written on the bumper sticker: Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven. If he is a forgiven man, you'd like to think he'd forgive you. And if he is as heavily involved in church as you say, you'd think he'd be an expert at forgiveness by now. Go figure. Maybe you need to get him a bumper sticker that says: Christians aren't perfect, just hypocrits.

You did wrong and you'll need to take your medicine. But he did wrong too and has no foundation to condemn you. I'd like to think he would give you the same grace that he needed when it was his time in the hot seat. If he can't forgive, at some point I don't think it is right for you to just grovel and plead for his forgivness. Once you know you have corrected yourself, it is reasonable to forgive yourself, even if he won't join you.

I don't quite understand, so please clear up a few things...are you sorry you had the affair or are you sorry you got caught? If you are sorry, has your husband said that he forgives you? Thank you.

Ever since the event I have lived with guilt and shame. I can't believe I did what I did. Alcohol was involved and that's no excuse, but it tells you I was not acting with any common sense. I have been soul searching like never before. I am in counseling now and it is really helpingl. I want more than ever to involve my husband in discussions about being a better person, but we can't talk more than two minutes without him going off. When I mention that he has done the same thing (maybe worse) he can't handle it. He accuses me of trying to duck responsiblity , but I'm only trying to say we both have a lot to learn. He has no problem reminding me how much of a sinner I am but he won't admit that he too has had problems. We're in this together, but he is so self righteous that we can't talk.

There is a reason you had your affair and there is a reason he had his, even if it was 10 years ago. Sounds like there is a major breakdown in communication, to state the obvious. But worse, his need for control is so out of bounds that it is driving bad anger. I hate to say it but I have strong reservations about his supposed religious conversion. Whatever your religion, you choose to lay down your control when you let God be the one in charge. Clearly he doesn't get this.
I'm proud for you that you are in counseling. Keep it up.