Lagging Post Affair Issues

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Lagging Post Affair Issues

Post  Marriage on Sat Apr 18, 2009 8:38 am

About ten months ago, Jane learned that Bob had been in a four month affair with a woman at work. For about a month Bob expressed true regret and made all the right moves to illustrate that he would never see or speak with the woman again. Accountability procedures were put into plan, they went to counseling, and Bob seemed contrite and embarrassed about the whole matter. As the time passed, Jane would still experience bouts of despair and would express her fears and anger toward Bob. For instance, if she passed a building where she knew Bob had been with the other woman, this might prompt her to cry and say something to him later that day. Her reactions were not severe, but they nonetheless reflected deep hurt and disillusionment. As each month passed, Bob’s patience with Jane’s hurt weakened. He’d tell her, “It’s time to get over it,” or “I’m tired of answering your questions.” This only fueled Jane’s fears as she assumed that he might not really be as contrite as he had once professed. She told him that he needed to let her emotions run their course, no matter how long that might take. He told her she had “gone beyond her quota” for asking the same questions.

How Would You Respond?

Marriage
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Bob needs to take his medicine

Post  Smith on Sat Apr 18, 2009 4:46 pm

I don't think it is wrong for a wife to have occasional emotions after her husband had an affair. Being a liar and a cheat, he has lost the right to tell her to "get over it." He should be glad she didn't just kick him to the curb.

Smith
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contrition and humility

Post  john on Sat Apr 18, 2009 6:50 pm

sounds like this guy is making light of the situation. he needs to develop a conscience.

john
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time reveals

Post  Nancy on Thu Apr 23, 2009 12:07 pm

I've always believed that it is easy to appear humble in the short run after you've been caught. The real test of humility is that it stays true permanently. Makes me think that his early expressions of regret were laced with crocadile tears.

Nancy
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he doesn't get it

Post  steph on Mon May 11, 2009 2:01 pm

Let's see, you pass a place where your husband cheated on you and it makes you feel upset. You late say this to your husband who supposedly wants to smooth things over and all he can say is "deal with it"? He has to learn that for the time he had the affair it was all about him. Now its not. He needs to tune into you, and for more than just a little while. You are not wrong to feel what you feel.

steph
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Resentment

Post  Sara on Fri Aug 21, 2009 12:20 pm

Resentment often lingers on for the person who was hurt in an affair. She is right when she tells him to let her emotions run their course. He is the one who messed up. However it is also important that she do her best to move on and try to keep comments to herself like that. He needs to be as understanding as possible also. They should do as much as possible at this point to bond with one another. That will help strengthen their relationship and help both of them move on. She is probably still very hurt but can not keep punishing him over and over for what he did. He must be patient with her as she heals. If she wants the relationship to work she has to start to actually forgive him.

Sara
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